Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
