Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
