I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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