woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize