There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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