While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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