apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
