...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
