i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
