Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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