I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
