Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Pants are for mortals
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
