The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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