my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm sobbing to NWA
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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