The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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