remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
