I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
