then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
