ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
