Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
