My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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