so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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