i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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