apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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