to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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