When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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