Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
