i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
