My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
