I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
