I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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