If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
