i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
