i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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