I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
