I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
