I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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