I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
