His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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