So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
