I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
