some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
