I wish my penis had an off switch
I can text with my tongue
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
