I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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