you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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