If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
