My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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