I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
