my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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