i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
