They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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