i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
