my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I need moral support for this bender
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
