Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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