I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
