I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
