i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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