i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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