This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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