my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize