A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
