In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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