If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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