Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
