I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
