The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
your like the ambassador to my penis.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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