his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
