Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
